The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Realtor: "So you're looking to buy a home?"
— Allison Raskin (@AllisonRaskin) May 2, 2017
Me: "Yes, I'd rather go into debt and ruin my credit than talk to my neighbors in the elevator."
Olsen twins out here aging like Kellyanne Conway.
— Taryn Finley (@_TARYNitUP) May 2, 2017
Saw a kid at the airport wearing a Captain America shirt and dragging an R2-D2 suitcase behind him so I was like, step off my style, bro.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) May 2, 2017
television without writers is just people eating bugs for cash prizes
— Ziwe (@ziwe) May 2, 2017
I look so tired today that a crow was just hovering near me like "when this one dies I get dibs"
— Mary-Devon Dupuy (@DevoDupuy) May 2, 2017
*when literally anyone gets mad at me for anything ever* http://pic.twitter.com/q721pw3KX5
— Angela Wheezy (@CarpeAngela) May 2, 2017
I just stirred coffee into my smoothie. How's your Monday going?
— Lauren DeStefano (@LaurenDeStefano) May 1, 2017
Even though there's no way I could be pregnant it's always good to know I'm not pregnant.
— Jasmyn Lawson (@JasmynBeKnowing) May 5, 2017
People are always like "eventually you'll want a baby." The closest I've gotten is the other day I really wanted a sandwich.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) May 5, 2017
in my old age am I realizing that those stretchy, phone cord keychains are to wear your keys as a bracelet when drunk so you don't lose em.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) May 5, 2017
LOL WHEN THE TWITTER PROMPT IS THE MOST ACCURATE http://pic.twitter.com/tJGT98naPC
— Jessica Samakow (@jsam1126) May 4, 2017
INTERVIEWER: can you explain these gaps on your résumé?
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 3, 2017
INTERVIEWEE: o sure, i just hit Return a couple times. it's real easy, i'll show ya.
In Canada right now, do I just stay here?
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) May 4, 2017
ivanka trump is the rachel dolezal of feminism and should be treated as such.
— Jessica Blankenship (@blanketboat) May 4, 2017
I've developed a habit of using dollar bills as bookmarks. It sounds like a cool thing to say, but really I just need to buy a bookmark.
— quinta b. (@quintabrunson) May 1, 2017
is it normal to want to block someones number when their text has more than one typo in it?
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) May 5, 2017
2016 vs 2017 http://pic.twitter.com/bbxQdMoLIh
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) May 4, 2017
All this, and Trump's dad is still never going to love him.
— Chloe Angyal (@ChloeAngyal) May 5, 2017
just moved a pair of black tapered sweatpants from the "lounge pants" to the "proper pants" drawer so that's how my diet's going
— Amanda Duberman (@AmandaDuberman) May 3, 2017
i tell myself i love salad but mainly i'm here for the salad toppings
— Jessica Misener (@jessmisener) May 5, 2017
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